Trusting The Process

I participate in a 12 step program designed for persons dealing with general living problems. As I struggled through the Dee-vorce, then learned to travel this life with fewer expectations of my fellow journey-ers, I have come to believe in the power of the 12 steps. I work the program in my life, and I have witnessed a remarkable shift in my attitudes and actions. These are real changes in me, not in my outward circumstances and situations.

However, whether or not I had truly done my work was a question I asked myself. I thought maybe I had it too easy (which is an interesting examination for another day) after the divorce, what with meeting Wonderful Guy so soon, the developing relationship with him, and getting a promotion at work, but I kept working my program.

Then three years ago last month, I was laid off due to a company buy-out. Five weeks into the job search, (otherwise known as ‘Ways to Crush One’s Self Esteem’) Wonderful Guy and I took a day for skiing. On the last run of the day (and maybe forever) I fell, blowing out my ACL, and partially tearing my MCL. Within ten days of the skiing accident, my elderly mother was admitted to ICU with pneumonia and other complications. She was gone two and a half months after my losing my job. I had knee surgery two weeks after her memorial service, and started a new job ten days after that, the day before my 50th birthday.

During that time, there were job interviews, resumes, and 2 daughters graduated from college. We traveled to Kansas City twice. I am grateful I had the freedom to go when I wanted and chose to, and could be with Mom and my family both during her last illness and at the end. There were doctor’s appointments, physical therapy, and a knee surgery scheduled, then rescheduled. There was a job offered, a starting date set, then reset. I dealt with the daughters, their emotions and decisions. We planned a funeral according to Mom’s desires (above all, frugally!), Dearest Sister, Wise Sister, Only Brother, and myself did well supporting each other in good and healthy ways. That is not always the case, I think, in such a situation, and I am proud of us for that.

It was a wild ride those few months, and one that gave me a chance to see how much I had learned. I had my moments, but I was able to keep my sanity by taking care of me, forgetting about juggling situations trying to keep everybody happy, and letting others deal with their own feelings. It may seem elementary to some, but I have spent most of my life trying to keep the peace, just trying to keep others happy. I had no idea what taking care of myself meant, except that it sounded vaguely selfish…and surely that wasn’t good, was it? I have found when I am not practicing self-care first, that is when things will go south. Fast.

Today, I am so grateful for the tools my 12 step program has given me. My marriage with Wonderful Guy is incredible for it. Simply. Incredible. I believe my relationships with old and new friends, co-workers, and family are better for it. (They may see it differently…but this is my story.) I deal with life on life’s terms now. I don’t expect life to be what I want it to be. Sometimes it’s going to be sad and unfair. Sometimes it will be great. I can just do the best I can do. Makes all the difference.

With one exception. I am a mother. When it comes to my daughters, I know a lot of stuff in my head, but my heart plays tricks on me. I so wish I could have taught higher, done more, given better…saved them pain…saved them…their own lessons? Maybe made their lessons easier and less painful maybe. Maybe made it so I didn’t see so much of my own issues coming back at me in their actions. And yet, I am so proud, and love them so much. More than anything in this world, really, and would do it all over again just for them. I consider them my greatest work and achievement. Wonderful Guy reminds that being a mother is what I did, not who I am. But see, not so much! I am a mother down deep, and through and through, most of all. It’s very difficult to resolve that I did the best I knew, when I truly wish I could have done more and better and smarter.