About Boundaries

(Warning: another post full of post dee-vorce self-examination!)

Attending the divorce recovery class, then in working my program, there came up the subject of boundaries. This was a very new idea to me.

I have written about my concern for other’s opinions. I have made a lifetime of pleasing others, making sure others were happy, doing what others wanted. In many ways, these were kind and generous gestures on my part. I wanted to be a helpful and nice person whom others thought well of. Did I understand that I didn’t have to do everything everyone thought I needed to do? Not at all. They might thing badly of me!

I easily absorbed the drama in other’s lives. It was out of a concern for those close to me, and well-intentioned. I cared about people and when things went awry for them, I worried and stewed. I remember actually saying, albeit jokingly…mostly… that if I worried enough, my worry would prevent and/or fix situations. If I didn’t worry enough, that’s when the bad stuff happened! I promoted my worry and stress as the mystical remedy to the universe’s lessons! Did I understand that it could be possible, even healthy, to keep some of this at arm’s length, and still care? Not really. I believed how much I got wrapped around the axle of someone else’s problem showed how much I cared.

I didn’t know there was a different way to live life. I am a person who had no clue that there were boundaries to be had. I had to learn to define the word before I could figure out what healthy boundaries meant in my life.

Mostly, personal boundaries for me deal with keeping my peace and serenity regardless of what others around me do or say. Having boundaries keeps me sane in all my relationships, family, social, and at work.

I am no longer at other’s beck and call. I choose what I do, or don’t do. And I don’t make excuses or come up with long rationale for why I can’t do something. Well, mostly I don’t. I work very hard at being honest in my ‘no, I can’ts’. Very hard. And that is another example of a personal boundary. I could do a dance around any issue if I thought the truth might offend someone. I understand the value now of being kindly open, honest, and transparent with others.
My boundaries allow me let other’s have their own issues without believing I need to fix them. I can allow them to be who they are without the expectation they should fit the idea of who I think they should be. They are who they are. But I also trust myself to see if someone acts in an unhealthy manner toward me, and I will trust myself to know what to do to care for myself in that situation. This might go without saying for some, but it is very big for someone who didn’t understand for many years that she didn’t need to live with the emotional pain.

Not letting others cross my boundaries is not a way of controlling others. I can try that if I want to see a failed effort. I have found people do what they do, in spite of my best and hardest efforts to get them to do what I think they must.

My boundaries are for me, keeping me honest, keeping me safe, keeping my serenity.