Finding My Instincts

That’s only part of this story.

Finding my instincts, and trusting them, and then following them after a lifetime of not believing in myself is unsure ground.

Growing up, I didn’t know much of what was going on. Others needed to be trusted for that, and I was supposed to do as I was told. If I thought something might be haywire, or off track, or maybe a good thing to do, but grown-ups (or anyone bigger/older/more intimidating) could tell me different, well, that was that. End of story. What I knew or thought didn’t count as much as what others knew or thought.

I went along. No need for instincts. I just listened, and did as I was told, and caused the least trouble…mostly. Seemed like when I didn’t follow along, when I broke out of doing as I was told, serious repercussions seemed to reinforce how much better the other way seemed to be.

Lately, and yes, since the life changing opportunity of the dee-vorce, one of my twelve step lessons has been that of listening to MY heart, hearing MY instincts, and recognizing my own inner voice.

Then…in the belief that I can know what is right for me, following those instincts.

Yowza. Thinking for myself. Means I am responsible for me. Means I am responsible! Means I can do it.

And I can.

So I have alluded to ...over the last year and a half...about my work and the attendant stresses. It has been a tough road of lay-offs, late paychecks, people leaving, and chapter 13 bankruptcy. I have stuck it out, and without putting out a resume for a very long time.

Following my instincts? Or sticking my head in the sand? I can do denial, too. Oh, I can do denial very well, indeed.

Finally last November, I decided my instincts were telling me to ramp it up a bit. Over the last couple months, I looked at some websites, touched some bases, and talked to some former co-workers. I scored a couple of interviews, and while there wasn’t a job offer, each brought something that I could hold on to.

I heard that someone remembered the grace with which I handled the day I was laid off four years ago.

I heard ‘You can do this job’ from a former co-worker that I admired and respected, when I was intimidated by the prospective position.

I needed to hear these things. It is one scary job market out there, and add to that being…uh...experienced…and silvery haired…well, suffice it to say, there are a lot of young bucks to compete with these days. And not a lot of positions to go around.

Then, in filling out an application, when I was asked for references, I thought to myself, I need to verify that those folks still are willing (after all this time) to...reference me, and that I have their current contact info...blah blah blah…and so I did.

See. Instincts! And following them!

One of those references has called me. Seems he has a job that I might be suited for…if I am interested.

In town.
Working with, and for, some of the best managers/mentors I ever worked for, and with.

I will be on a temp basis for a while, working towards regular, but I am just looking at that as thinking outside the box…as a bridge from here to there.

I gave my 2 weeks notice today. (And that's my news.)