Quilting In These Modern Times

Back in the day, when the day was about 9 years ago, which is when the oldest grandgirl was born, my dearest sis and I embarked on the tradition of making the grands quilts. I had learned to quilt in 1978, and was all about the scissors and templates, hoops and hand quilting. That stuck until the the fifth quilt. A few things happened.  The quilts started stacking up.  DSis bought a Bernina, helped found the Modern Quilt Guild in Las Vegas, and subsequently retired.

I will be honest here.  I didn't know modern from schmodern. Quilts are quilts are quilts...and are mostly for covering up with. So anyway, back to DSis retiring and leaving Las Vegas and moving into the hot bed of America's quilting heartland. Her mad skilz took off like a rocket, and she was all...maybe we should look at some of the more recent innovations in the quilting industry.  I was all...this was how I learned to make quilts and this is how I am going to die making quilts.

Variation of Card Trick with 30's reproduction prints

And then I got laid off again, and picked up a part time job at a LYS that was opening an fabric side. I needed to let go of the past, all be it kicking and screaming, and let myself get dragged into these modern times. I had fun for the few months I sewed for a living. My mother's legacy lives on, and I am truly grateful for the life skills she taught me. Also, I honed those rotary cutting and chain piecing skills!

"Sisters" with 30's reproduction prints

Grandgirl's six and seven quilts were cranked out lickety split! I even machined quilted, although it was simply quilting in the ditch.  The intricacies of free motion still elude me, but as many things, I am sure it's just a process of learning.

16-patches from FCMQG block bee and hour glass block

I still sew with my mid-century Singer (the Rocketeer) but I bought myself a Janome, too.  (By the way, save yourself embarrassment.  Jay No Me.  I asked the man in the store about the Jaynoms.  Oops.) I joined the local MQG.  I even met DSis at QuiltCon in Austin for fun, amusement, and education in what the heck Modern Quilting is.

The photos are of a few of my recently completed quilt tops.  The top two are throw sizes, the bottom is now larger than the photo shows, more of an oversized queen. I cranked these out in the last week.  Fast as lightening! Quick as winks! Goodbye to the olden days!

A Day Of Service

Well, I needed this.

Sometimes I wonder where my head is. I know I have been busy and may have missed the news for…several days…but generally I pay attention the internet.

I missed remembering the events of Nine Eleven through a day of giving back rather than a day of mourning.

Eight years ago, the Dee-vorce was not yet filed, but the Dee-cision had been made by the X. He remained at the house. I was devastated by his final take on the matter of our marriage after months of trying to reconstruct. Laid waste, reduced to my lowest denominator, dee-molished. Yank out your own thesaurus…life was over as I knew it, and I could not see the future.

I knew it was there. I knew I would reach it. I just couldn’t see it, or what my place in it was going to look like. I had no point of reference for me being me without him.

So on that morning, I was getting ready for work. And he was not, not having work to go to, which is another post. He comes up the stairs and tells me what has happened. I come down to watch the news, and the second event occurs.

And I was Just. Done. In.

Overload.

No more room.

Too much.

I went to work, and heard about the Pentagon and Pennsylvania, but while others were glued to the TV and the internet, I had to perform work tasks. Had to.

I couldn’t handle it all emotionally and intellectually, the twin towers along with my falling down life. And the events will be interlinked from now on, I think.

But life is about moving on, growing, learning, and changing, at least for me.

Not forgetting, but building on. And making better.

Not dwelling on, but remembering where and who we were, and how far we have come, and assessing how we feel about the results.

Serving others in remembrance is a remarkable idea.

So happens my retreat plans have to do with service work, and maybe my outlook towards the whole thing hasn’t been spot on. I have been tired, and my efforts have been sprinkled with a bit of resentment.

No more. I have had my wake-up call.

What A Day...

...I had yesterday.

First, my new best friend is Tomtom, our GPS which led me around to new places in The Big City WITHOUT FAIL even when I didn't follow the given directions so good.

I arrived at my first meet up early, so did my shopping (1 lb of chocolate covered almonds! the best oil and vinegar salad dressing in the world! and a surprise for Wonderful Guy...shhhh!) then sat on a bench, outside, in the sun, and knitted until College Friend arrived. Ahhhhh....glorious Colorado!

And I see that Dearest Sister has posted a photo of the same establishment, Eastern version, on her blog. Going to Andres is one of our favorites things to do together. Even if I couldn't be with Dearest Sister, Wisest Sister, and Precious Niece for their visit, it was nice to be where I was yesterday, in a very similar atmosphere, same logo, same place mats, same desserts (I had a Matterhorn!) same banners and bells hanging from the rafters.

It is a personal redemption of mine to be someone a bit different than the clueless and lost 18-year-old I was when I first knew this wonderful person. And I am grateful for this friendship that has been renewed in person after so many years of holiday card exchanges. I do not doubt the important of tenuous connections, no matter how long and thin they may seem. After two hours of delicious bites in between wonderful catching up, it was time to advance to my next stop.

Again, I reach The Lamb Shoppe with nary a blip. Huzzah for TomTom! I walked in and immediately recognized (and liked!) Liz from Lizzzknits. After a brief orientation of the shop, and a drink purchase, we settled at a table and pulled out our WIPs and started getting to know more about each other that we have discovered through our blogging efforts. I count her among my real life friends now, and look forward to when I next get to see her. Thanks, Liz, for making the effort to meet me, Saturday, and for all you shared. Also, no purchases made. And I repeat, except for a bottle of water, I spent not a dime...but only because Liz bought the last sz. med. sock blockers.

After closing down the lys, I traveled back north to the 50th birthday party of the relative-ish person. Again, I was early, because, again, Tomtom, I love you! I didn't stay longer at the party than to greet and chat with the relative-ish people, who made me feel welcome, who were thrilled to see me, and who were so glad I was there. Hmmm, according to them, relation isn't all about blood! Who knew?! Guess the second guessing was all on my part! Guess that's why I always thought they were such special people!

I arrived home pleased with the day, but exhausted.

It takes a push for me to get out for a day like this. There is alot of fear to get past...being out of control, fear of people, fear of disapproval. I was on my own, had make my plans, cover my bases, and rely on me (and Tomtom and my cell phone...yea for technology!). I am aware of my fears of people and disapproval so while that stuff mostly niggles in the background, it is still something that the little girl inside me, standing by herself on the playground, needs assurance about. So I put my arm around her, and told her, 'come on, we were going to have some fun, and I would be there with her!'

And we did.

PS My exciting, extraordinary day happened on Saturday. I had most of this written to post on Sunday, then Grandbebe Girl came to stay, and the rest is history!

The Comfortable Familiar

It serves many purposes in my life, some good and some not so healthy for me.

Before I recognized my tendencies to rest in the familiar, I could stay in my nest regardless of the suffering. What I knew was way more comfortable than risking the unknown, in spite of the pain. And that was why, I believe, I remained in my previous relationship white-knuckled, way past the end. It’s what I knew.

I could go back to my hometown, and think to myself, ‘I could come back here and retire!’ I use to do that. For me, most of the things I remember of my hometown were blown away with the tornado last year. The point stands, though, for any who have moved away from an area after being raised there for a length of time. Fond memories breed the comfortable familiar. In spite of the wind, and the heat, and the cold.

I often go with what I know. I stay where I am. I do things like I saw them done.

Which is okay for me. As long as I know that is what I am doing. As long as I know that is my tendency, and that sometimes I need to do push myself to do something else.

If I am aware of what I do, then I can choose to do differently.

It has been a great challenge for me to break out of my comfort zone, and meet some of the challenges I feel I need to risk. Some have proved to be exceedingly simple, except in my own mind. (I can make great hurdles out of customer service phone calls and other situations that call for dealing with strangers.) Others have proved to be more taxing. (I updated my resume last night. The future continues to seem shaky at my place of employment. I feel like one of the string quartet on the Titanic.)

I would like others to take up the slack and fix it all for me. (Hey, Wonderful Guy, why don’t you call HP about my computer?) I love the feeling of being where I know the ins and outs where I am. (I shop at the same grocery store week in and week out, and ride my bike the same way every day!)

But when I break out and stretch and reach, it is always a learning experience. Every time. And what a feeling of accomplishment when I rise to the challenge!

Unfortunately, a successfully made call to customer service isn’t understood as quite the challenge by most people, so my victories sometimes are often silently acclaimed. That’s okay. I know what I’ve done, and that is what’s most important.

About Boundaries

(Warning: another post full of post dee-vorce self-examination!)

Attending the divorce recovery class, then in working my program, there came up the subject of boundaries. This was a very new idea to me.

I have written about my concern for other’s opinions. I have made a lifetime of pleasing others, making sure others were happy, doing what others wanted. In many ways, these were kind and generous gestures on my part. I wanted to be a helpful and nice person whom others thought well of. Did I understand that I didn’t have to do everything everyone thought I needed to do? Not at all. They might thing badly of me!

I easily absorbed the drama in other’s lives. It was out of a concern for those close to me, and well-intentioned. I cared about people and when things went awry for them, I worried and stewed. I remember actually saying, albeit jokingly…mostly… that if I worried enough, my worry would prevent and/or fix situations. If I didn’t worry enough, that’s when the bad stuff happened! I promoted my worry and stress as the mystical remedy to the universe’s lessons! Did I understand that it could be possible, even healthy, to keep some of this at arm’s length, and still care? Not really. I believed how much I got wrapped around the axle of someone else’s problem showed how much I cared.

I didn’t know there was a different way to live life. I am a person who had no clue that there were boundaries to be had. I had to learn to define the word before I could figure out what healthy boundaries meant in my life.

Mostly, personal boundaries for me deal with keeping my peace and serenity regardless of what others around me do or say. Having boundaries keeps me sane in all my relationships, family, social, and at work.

I am no longer at other’s beck and call. I choose what I do, or don’t do. And I don’t make excuses or come up with long rationale for why I can’t do something. Well, mostly I don’t. I work very hard at being honest in my ‘no, I can’ts’. Very hard. And that is another example of a personal boundary. I could do a dance around any issue if I thought the truth might offend someone. I understand the value now of being kindly open, honest, and transparent with others.
My boundaries allow me let other’s have their own issues without believing I need to fix them. I can allow them to be who they are without the expectation they should fit the idea of who I think they should be. They are who they are. But I also trust myself to see if someone acts in an unhealthy manner toward me, and I will trust myself to know what to do to care for myself in that situation. This might go without saying for some, but it is very big for someone who didn’t understand for many years that she didn’t need to live with the emotional pain.

Not letting others cross my boundaries is not a way of controlling others. I can try that if I want to see a failed effort. I have found people do what they do, in spite of my best and hardest efforts to get them to do what I think they must.

My boundaries are for me, keeping me honest, keeping me safe, keeping my serenity.

Setting goals

I have been thinking some about goal setting lately, and how I go about doing that sort of thing.

Growing up, I don’t recall much discussion about ‘goals’, but there was certainly intent to accomplish things. The ‘goals’ were more along the lines of 4-H projects (pretty successful), and cleaning the room I shared with Dearest Sister (not so successful), and ‘getting things done’, in general. I don’t remember much of the idea that if I wanted to achieve some level of recognition, I needed to set my mind to it, and do the things required to accomplish that. It was a bit more hit and miss, like ‘well, try out and see!’ Without proper preparation, that often led to un-success. That led to trying only for things I know I could get, and not stretching out so much for achievement. At least I was encouraged to try.

Before the Dee-vorce, it seemed the X and I were just working to get by so much of the time, and the things we achieved we just sort of fell into, and couldn’t have done without a lot of help from others. I know it was a huge leap of faith when we returned to complete his higher education with three small children…babies, really…and it was an accomplishment for us both to finish our degrees at that time. What we do to satisfy that inner hunger for recognition is a huge motivator. What we do to help that person from whom we receive our self-esteem motivates equally. Like I said, it was a leap of faith, and lots of effort on our part working toward an end, and real achievement. But before and after? A lot of working to just get by.

After the Dee-vorce, when I was on my own, I was finally making my own decisions and setting my own goals. I determined to live on a budget, and what that budget was. I then determined when I could start contributing to my retirement program again, and how much to set aside for savings. I determined to keep myself out of debt. Sometimes my goals were more oriented to personal achievement, like my goal for hiking 100 miles. While it was easier sometimes to remain at home, I pushed myself to get out and socialize with my divorce recovery group, taking line dancing lessons, and in various other ways.

When Wonderful Guy and I started sharing time together, we talked about hopes and dreams and goals. We share some goals of places to travel (Hawaii next February), projects (more rooms painted), and some dreams (a little place in the mountains some day?) We also dream about retiring in 9 or 10 years.

Often, my own goals are in the form of a list. I have a long term list, and a short term list. My year long list shows things like starting this blog, learning to spin, and to knit socks, working on my photo editing, certain yard projects, installing more memory in my computer, etc. Short term list reminds me what I want to get done this week. (Sometimes Wonderful Guy knows about my lists and sometimes he does not!)

Most of these things take forethought, research, and planning to bring about. Sometimes it can be time-consuming, and tedious, and needs to be made a priority. However, I have rarely been disappointed when a goal is achieved.

I have sometimes come to the realization that a goal has slipped from my list, completely, or just for now. That doesn’t make me un-successful. (I verbalized that because I have some inner voices that would tell me otherwise.)

My 12-step program tells me that setting goals and working towards them is a good and appropriate way to achieve a healthy way of living. I set my goals personally; free from others might think, with my own self-care in mind. My goals have to do with me, not with fixing others. Without dreams and goals, I can end up…just working to get by everyday…without even thinking about what I am doing or why I am doing it.

So….I present….my first grown-up sized socks, knitted by magic loop. (Now, to mark that off my list…wha!!! ‘Learn to knit socks’ is not on my list? How can that be? Well, not to worry. I am not above adding something just so I can mark it off!)