Figuring out my part

I am not sure how or why, but I became determined to learn something, anything! from the turmoil of the X leaving me. ‘Anyone’ could see from the wreckage of the situation that it was surely not my doing. He was choosing to leave, after all, for her! I mean, really, what fault could there be of mine in this? However, I was prepared to be gracious, and honest, too. It was a marriage and that’s a two way street. Therefore, I was willing to accept responsibility for…uhh….5% of the mess he had made of our wedded bliss.

I was reading what I could, and journaling like a crazy woman, all good things for me to do. A good friend suggested a divorce recovery group in which I enrolled. This course cost a fair sum for me at the time, but that was a good thing. I was in such a state that first night, that had I not made a monetary commitment, I would have bolted rather that walk through that door with those strangers. In addition, as I was committed financially, I was therefore was determined to get my money’s worth from this investment. I studied, did my homework and the exercises, and (shock horror) even interacted with the others in the group, becoming good friends with them. Through this study, I came to understand that there were some behaviors that I was responsible for that led to the failure of the relationship. I could accept…oh…40, maybe even 50% of the responsibility of the dee-vorce. After all, marriage is a 50:50 proposition, isn’t it?

Our divorce recovery group remained good friends after the ending of the formal class sessions. We continued to stay in touch through social gatherings, and outings, keeping up with each other’s personal adventures and growths. One of these ‘Rebuilders’ (as we called ourselves) talked about a 12-step group he went to for people with general living problems. As we spent time together, I heard and saw, in his actions and attitudes, forgiveness and unconditional love that I often heard discussed in theological circles. I had not really understood those concepts practically, until I listened to how this Rebuilder applied them in his living situation. I decided to go to the same meetings, because I was stumbling over the forgiveness thing, and wanted to let go of the resentment I was feeling toward the X. I knew down deep that without working through this bitterness, it would end eating me up.

Through those meetings, and diligently working and applying the steps in my life, I have come an alarming realization. I am 100% responsible! For me, that is. I am 100% responsible for taking care of myself, for being kind to myself, for loving myself. I am 100% responsible for my feelings, and 0% responsible for someone else’s. I think that doing that not very well led to the poor health of my previous relationship and the dee-vorce. It wasn’t all me, but my weaknesses fed the X’s weaknesses. It was a vicious circle.

I learned how to do better, and now better I do.

(The Rebuilders still gather occasionally, but not as often, as we have each moved on, and into, new lives. We saw each other this past holiday season, and I recently gifted one with a hand knit scarf and hat. Some of us were in the darkest place of our lives, and we watched each other grow through those times. I learned much about openness and acceptance from that group, and I will be grateful always that they accepted me for me.)