Old Habits Die Hard

One of my goals this year is to renew my passport. Dearest Sister and I first traveled out of the country with Eldest Daughter's graduating class in 1996. We had good times. Serious fun! Really serious. If Wonderful Guy and Galaxie Guy really wanted to treat the two of us to some sort of really treat-y specially thing, send the two of us to France. Just buy us a ticket, and we would do the rest!

Anyway. My name is not the same now as it was on my original passport, and I have to have a certified copy of the Dee-vorce decree saying why and how it is now different. So off I went today at lunch to do just that. It is almost 7 years to the day since the Dee-vorce was finalized.

Seven. That has had me thinking.

I find it intriguing how ingrained my habit patterns are.

But then, I have been practicing them for a very long time, some of them since I was two or three. And having learned these behaviors long ago, and not knowing any different way to be, I effectively cemented them and reinforced them during my adult years and my previous marriage.

Until the pain of staying the same was greater than the pain of changing.

That's where the Dee-vorce brought me. Pretty much to my knees. And sometime laid out plum flat. It was a hard place to be, that much is sure. Maybe the hardest place I have ever been.

It wasn't my idea to change. I was forced into it. But I remember thinking that, come hell or high water, by the grace of an everlovin' God, I was going to learn something from this so I would never ever ever never ever have to repeat this class again. Never. Ever.

I learned by bits and pieces, gleaning nuggets here and there, but never stopping. I mean, after all, alot that I read? The people in these stories were whacked! I couldn't possibly have that much in common with them, could I?! There may have been slight similarities here and there...but inch by inch, little by little, I discovered there truly were more things alike than different between the subjects and myself. And in hearing my story, people probably were thinking I was whacked, too. And guess what? I may have been.

I attended 'Rebuilding', the divorce recovery group, and I started attending a 12-step program for those with general living problems. I kept working at it, reading (easy!), sharing with others (face to face not so easy), and staying connected with people (pretty darn hard!).

I learned alot about what I do, and why I do the things I do, and I do alot of things differently now. And I am grateful, truly grateful, for the opportunity I had to change. I mean that. It was a hard lesson to learn, but I am so grateful for being given the chance.

And yet sometimes something will happen, and an old reaction will raise up and have the effect of slapping me across the face. Yep, there I am again...

It took me 40 some odd years to dig those tracks. It's reasonable that it might take more than 6 or 7 to jump out of those ruts completely.

PS Don't forget to sign up for my 'Bloggery Contest'. It ends Saturday.