Self Image

During the year of the Dee-vorce, I lost weight. I was pleased with this. I have always been thin. I have always been very, very thin, as a child, and after having 3 children. Being small and thin has been a part of my identity. When I did put on a few pounds (and I mean only a few), this caused consternation. I can see now this frayed the edges of my identity. Then some stress would enter my life and pounds would fall away, and I would be back to my usual. Ahhh….all was right with the world.

So now, six years after I received those final dee-vorce papers in the mail (in the mail!), and my lowest weight since high school, I now weigh more than I did when I was pregnant. And yet, AND YET! I am eating much healthier, nutrition and calorie-wise, than I have in my entire life (thanks to the Wonderful Guy), and I exercise diligently and properly. What gives? It began when I got happy (no, really!), I started gaining some poundage, but that was okay…because, after all, I was way too thin….at least that is what I said, but down deep, I liked wearing those size 2 jeans. But size 4 was okay, too, I guessed. But I kept gaining, and Middle Daughter’s wedding was coming up, and the X was going to be there with the new, younger version he had married very shortly after that fateful mail day. What I was concerned about was nothing to be concerned about. Really. It was in my mind, comparing myself to others expectations, to my own ideas about what I should be, about what I had always been. I was concerned about 117lbs.

But it continued, and I was outgrowing clothes, and I kept approaching limits, then bypassing them. Youngest Daughter’s wedding was approaching. I took a new approach. With the Wonderful Guy, I had been eating and cooking healthier, but I never had to count calories. My research told me it was important to be informed about exactly what one’s caloric intake was. The internet has wonderful tools for this information, and I start using some of them, along with a journal. I kept track of everything for several months, even using one website to enter my own recipes so I could see exactly what calorie count my tuna noodle casserole (for example) was carrying. I logged intake faithfully, and kept to about 1600-1900 calories/day. This was coupled with maintaining exercise my exercise 5-6 days/week. I quit gaining, and even dropped a couple of pounds the first few weeks. I believed I was going to be able to be down to 120lbs by the wedding.

Uhhhh...wrong answer. Nothing else happened. Wedding came and went, and I wore a ….size 6! Shock!! Horror!!!! I look at the photos and I think I have such a roll around my middle. Really. I think that. My sisters have no sympathy for me, and if by chance anyone is reading this, you may not either. That’s ok. That’s not my point to all this.For my next birthday, Wonderful Guy gave me a new bicycle, and I started riding to work a few times a week. It is approximately a 16.5 miles round trip, and that first summer, I rode an estimated 900 miles. Those handy dandy little internet tools I talked about previously told me I was exercising very vigorously, burning up all sorts of calories, and not taking in outrageous amounts of calories. I should have been dropping poundage like crazy, if the math was right. Well, I didn’t. Nothing budged…not weight, not pants size, not nothing! Now I was enjoying myself and feeling good, and found the morning ride exhilarating, and evening ride bearable, but geez! Somebody, throw me a bone here!

Where am I going with this? It's that I think I need to be thrown a bone. I weigh 130-135lbs on any given day. I have kept track of my diet and eating patterns to know that I am eating healthy and nutritious foods most of the time in proper amounts. I exercise pretty darn well, especially for a middle-aged woman. There is absolutely nothing unhealthy in any of that. And I am in the middle of all the charts for weight and BMI. I am normal, finally average. Why is it so hard for me to accept me this way, at this stage of my life?

Because it’s hard not to be caught up in what I used to be, thinking something is wrong if I am not looking the same way, the same size I was way back when. There is a roll over my jeans when I sit that didn’t use to be there, and I don’t see me as being skinny. I have always been prideful of that, and if I am not skinny anymore, maybe I have lost a part of my identity. That is not sound thinking.

I am going to work very hard this year to continue to eat well, exercise regularly, and accept my body just as it is. This is something I have struggled with for a couple of years, and it is really time to lay this one down. I‘ve become educated to know what’s healthy eating and what’s not, what is good to do and what’s not, and I am free to make those choices. I want to be okay with my body because it is really is OKAY.