Lessons on Life from Star Trek

During the marriage melt-down and the subsequent Dee-vorce, I was emotionally overwrought. I could not listen to music about relationships, or see movies about relationships, or watch TV shows about relationships, or read books about relationships.

I had known the X since my freshman year in college, and we had been married for over 25 years. We had made it through the ‘rough times’ (I thought), and the living was supposed to get easier at this point. Apparently this ‘living happily ever after’ stuff was a bunch of crap-ola, though, and I didn’t want to hear, or see, or watch, or read about a bunch of ninnies thinking they had life and love all figured out! Because if I didn’t, I was sure they didn’t either!!

Due to a series of circumstances (all of it fascinating! but for another post), the X lived with me at the house from the time he told me he thought “we should go our separate ways”, until he found another position out of state to take, almost 11 months. We did not share the same space, however. My bedroom became my sanctuary, to which I retreated nightly, especially in those early months. I read many self-helpy type books, spiritual journey type books, and did my divorce recovery homework. I journaled like a crazy woman, from which I maybe was only a few steps away. But then, exhausted, I would want to watch some TV.

What to watch that would not bring out all my cynicism and jadedness?

STAR TREK!!!! I have always enjoyed Star Trek, and here was a show almost practically relationship free. I remember on Wednesday nights, in particular, I could see re-runs at 7, 9, 10, and 11, of Next Generation twice, Voyager, and Deep Space Nine. Ahh….the ecstasy of pure escapism!

There was one episode in particular I remember. It addressed the issue about going back in our lives and changing things, doing things differently, making things better. At this point in my life, I was wishing there were a few things I could have some re-dos on. (like accepting that engagement ring…)

So anyway, we find out that Captain Picard has an artificial heart stemming from a fight he had as a young, impulsive, brash ensign. This artificial heart fails, and Picard, slipping into a void, admits, that given the opportunity, he would do things differently, meaning he would try to avoid the circumstances that led to the fight the led to the necessity of the artificial heart, which was failing and leading to his untimely demise. He is given that chance, and as the story goes, changing those circumstances changes friends and opportunities and outlooks and then he isn’t the captain that saves the galaxy on numerous occasions, but a lowly astrophysics officer that ‘doesn’t stand out’…and well, he understands why he is the man he is…uh…today, or then, or in the future. Agh!….I am so confused with these space time continuums!

So back to me. Setting aside the years my daughters were concieved, for I would go through at least those years again in a heartbeat to have my children, I have truly struggled with the time spent in that relationship, and my unhealthy behavior and reactions. Why did I do what I did, put up with what I put up with, and for so long? How did I miss the boat so completely? How could I have been so clueless?

There may be answers to those questions that will help me avoid repeating the same issues in the future and that is very good. But if I am going to use them as weapons against myself for not having done the past perfectly, then I say they do not matter.

Who I am today is because of what I have lived through. If ‘I regret the past and wish to shut the door on it’, I lose some of the best of me. Surely there were some not so good times with the X, and there were some times I am not proud to share, but those times serve a particular purpose in making me who I am today, and who I will be tomorrow. I am sure that part of the reason that Wonderful Guy and I have such a terrific relationship is directly attributable to some of the touch lessons of this previous one.

I am still working on this truth. There is still some figuring out to do here, but I am making real progress.