Other’s Approval

There is in me such a want and need for the approval of others. Through the work and self-examination of myself over the past six or seven years, I recognize this need completely. I even know from where in my past this need comes from. I know what it feels like when someone isn’t liking what I am doing, and I clearly understand the feeling when someone shoots me some accolades.

I am now usually aware of those feelings of worth or disapproval immediately. Notice I said I am aware of the feelings. I still have them. I know what makes me tick. I understand how those feelings can affect my behavior, often detrimentally. I believe, for the most part, I have ceased most of those destructive reactions to get approval or avoid disapproval. But I still have those feelings.

When there is confrontation, I cringe, wanting to avoid it at much cost, not wanting someone to think less of me. I have to work very hard to not react in such a situation to give others what they want in an effort to keep the peace. It is one of the hardest things ever to not agree and go along so others will think well of me when there is something I need to voice an opposing opinion to the general feeling. It can be an act of will, thinking it through to myself about “This is about what others are thinking about me. What others think of me isn’t my business. My sense of self is my sense of self, not what they are thinking of me.”

And when I receive an ‘atta girl’, I am embarrassed to admit how good that can make me feel. What. A. Charge! So much so that I can find myself seeking it out. Not healthy. It’s good to do good, and it is good for one to pay compliments and give due consideration. But not so others can tell me I have done well, thus giving me my sense of worth.

The need for approval and fear of disapproval has often driven my behavior in the past, much to my chagrin, and while I have made good progress, I still see it’s guiding hand. In a room full of those I am unfamiliar with, I often say very little, not knowing what is acceptable. Someone might find fault! Shock Horror! Thus there was the huge effort to make it to the open knitting at the lys with NO ONE I knew.

And to have someone recognize my efforts in any area of my life leaves me speechless, looking at the floor, and twisting my toes in the carpet (or dirt, if they are commenting on my tomatoes!) But feeling so validated.

I believe that I have made much progress, because recognizing these driving needs, and having the strength for the self-examination to discover the roots of them is not to be dismissed. Yet I will continue in the effort to know my self-worth and feel my own validation without the approval of others. That’s the goal, but I have to tell you, it is hard work for this one!